Once I was in the car, and the ignition running, I found myself wondering what’s the next step. Is there a next step? At that moment I went on like normal, the initial shock set in a few days later, Dr. E call's "Marrina, we are working with your insurance company to authorize your Brain MRI, don’t worry I will have an answer soon" The sound
of her voice saying don’t worry was somewhat reassuring over the phone, but soon as we hung up, the comfort was quickly diminished. Before our conversation was over she said one last tid-bit, "you have been looking for answers for 15 years, and now we are one step closer to making you feel better". Elated with the idea that I had an answer, just not sure I was comfortable at that time with the answer I was given.
For the next week, the days and nights were all the same, I couldn’t tell the difference between a car in front of me or the TV being loud and annoying. I went to church, prayed, wrote a list of worries and actions, I cried very hard in his arms, I listed to silence, I listed to the wind, I screamed at the beach, I woke up saying "I’m Angry!!". True raw emotion was taking place inside this person, I couldn’t seem to recognize me anymore, my only worries was having fun, working hard, and moving towards my future. At the time I didn’t realize that my life has changed forever.
Awoken by chest pains (which is regular for me), I seem to not be doing well this particular morning, maybe from the drowsiness of over-thinking over-analyzing which I do all too well, none-the-less, Dr. E says you must go to the hospital any time you don’t feel well, So I set off to the emergency room, I stopped and looked at a man, and for some reason, I seen this man’s pain, his troubles in life and I seen people in a different light, I seen humane acts, this was my first point out of my daze, the ability to see others again. 3 hours in the emergency room, and much boredom and worry, I finally called out for my Nurse, Nurse Judy, my chest pains aren’t going away, so I thought maybe I should tell her….Ughhh but I don’t want to tell these darn people, so I dive in and say “I have MCTD and LUPUS”, 1 minute after I told Judy I had these diseases that I now apparently must own, I had a swarm of doctors trying to help me and test me for everything under the sun, it was at that moment that I realized “I am different now”
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